My Own Poison

I grew up in church. I was part of the "church kid crew" that knew all the books of the Bible before I could solve simple math... honestly still can't do the latter really well. I started serving in church as soon as I could follow directions. Being that my personality is of the helping type, serving always came easy to me. It's what I thought was expected and I absolutely loved knowing I was helping others in such a powerful way. Plus, puppet shows and skits are always fun!

 I was a broadcasting major in college. I quickly came to the realization that I was doing a lot of behind the scenes work and knew that I wouldn't get the recognition I thought I deserved. Do you ever think of the camera ops in the back that are usually being yelled at by a director while having to stand extremely still and focused for hours at all the concerts/events you go to? It's alright if you don't. We're not supposed to be noticed. That's why we always wear black. I just had to humble and reminded myself daily of the reasons I was there in the first place.  

Right after college I started volunteering heavily in church production. I had a few part time jobs that I wasn't too crazy about and church slowly slipped it's way in to feeling like one as well. I believed in what I was doing so I gave 110% every single day that I could. I freely gave countless hours to my church every week for years expecting nothing in return. Or so I thought.

What I ended up doing was giving everything I had and never taking the time for myself to receive anything. The typical "empty cup" scenario- such a dangerous game to play. I didn't realize this until it was too late and I burnt myself out. All those Sunday's directing cameras and never actually hearing the sermon. All those videos edited, but too focused on the quality and not on what the story could be speaking to me. I went months at a time without simply sitting in a service to take it in- to worship.

I could easily blame the church for scheduling me too often- but part of me wanted that. I needed to be needed. If the entire balance of the production world wasn't hanging on my attendance then I was doing something wrong. I subconsciously thought people wouldn't love me if they didn't need me.

Dumb.

After getting burnt out, I did somewhat blame my church for not seeing how often they were using me and how isolated I had become. I expected them to notice and make it better. I ended up leaving church all together. I would go some days, but was struggling with the idea that I wasn't doing anything. I felt pointless. My entire life had been dedicated to the church and I just became a seat warmer for the next person.

Through some crazy situations, friends, the Enneagram (personality test), and self care, I grew a ton in the following year. I realized that I could have set my schedule where I attended a service every other week. I didn't need to depend on anyone to tell me to do that because they noticed I wasn't happy. I dicovered that it wasn't recognition I wanted- it was love in return for mine. Most importantly, I realized that I was unhealthy and my gift of serving was being wasted in false resentment. I fell into the trap of neglecting myself and in turn blaming others for my self-ignorance. I was my own poison.

Back then I swore I would never work at a church. If I felt this way just volunteering, working there would be absolutely dreadful. Well, I now happily work at a church and can't imagine not being there. I sit in the first service with Paul and work during the other two. I love that we can talk about the service after because we were both in it. I never feel burnt out or wish I was doing something else. I love my job and the people I work with!

I have no doubt in my mind all this is because I changed. The church (although a different church) didn't. It was I that had to come to terms with my personality and all the healthy and unhealthy traits that I could and have been succumbed to. Understanding and accepting the underlying motivations I've unconsciously had with my "good deeds" is what helps me daily to live the life that I WANT to live. 

We all want to be the best us we can be. I believe the first step is taking time to stare in the mirror and being painfully honest with what you see. Become self aware with ALL parts of yourself. Only then can you work to change or embrace them.