The Courage to Exist
I've struggled with non-diagnosed panic attacks or anxiety if you will for as long as I can remember. I didn't actually know they were abnormal until college. At any given moment something will spike my heart rate and I'll go into a breathing frenzy trying to catch my breath and not lose my vision. This mostly happens when I'm in uncomfortable situations such as being around a bunch of people I don't know or sometimes even people I do. I'm an introvert that has somewhat coped throughout the years to handle extroverted situations, but still an introvert. Last year I got an apple watch and now it actually tells me when I'm having one of these attacks. It gives me the message "Your heart rate has exceeded over 100 bpm when you appear to have been resting for more than 10 minutes." I actually get this message on average 3 times a day.
The reason I've explained all this is because back in 2016 I did something completely out of character. I signed up for a songwriting church group. I had to show up to a group of people that I didn't know and express myself in such a vulnerable way. I had so much anxiety while at the group that the song I wrote was actually asking God to use my anxiety in some crazy way. Yet, I went back every single week to face this fear of uncomfortable situations.
Fast forward 2 years later and another songwriting group appeared. I was just as uncomfortable, still didn't know anyone, but for some reason I felt like I was supposed to be there so I continued subjecting myself to these mini heart attacks. Little did I know that at that very group I would meet some incredible life long friends and the love of my life.
In my experience, the best decision is not always the easiest to make. It usually comes with the most ridicule and fear. I am currently experiencing a little bit of both with my move to Indiana. I have a month to get an apartment, find a job, pack everything up, sell what I can't take, say my goodbyes, and so on. I actually went in my closet to pick out an outfit the other day and an hour later came out with nothing because I stared off into the colorful abyss trying to fathom the idea that I was moving across the country. However, as much thought that has went into this, the same amount of heart was given control. I realize the costs of moving, but the reward is so much greater in my opinion. Paul and I are going to get to actually go on dates every week again. We get to finally go to all those restaurants he raves about over the phone and finally get to experience all the beautiful seasons Indiana has to offer. We can simply relax in each others presence because I won't be leaving in 2 days.
I had tons of advice given to me in deciding when to move or if I should move at all. Some included to let him get settled first and see if he liked it up there, some said to wait till we were engaged, but the majority warned me against moving before we got married. Well, Paul and I had only been dating for 5 months when he moved. Even though we had talked about marriage and were both positive on each other, I din't feel that it was fair to make him propose after only 5 months just to get me to move up there. Also, that first month apart was the absolute worst. And I mean that. I'm super thankful for it because we worked through a ton of things, but my goodness. The worst. Now that we're in the long distance face time groove it's a lot easier, but to wait 'till we got married would put us at 12 months long distance at least. No thank you. Out of all of these factors though, a couple experiences and tons of prayer really decided this for me.
I was cleaning out my computer back in May and went through all my old pictures. I found too many pictures from high school... cringe worthy at best. I've provided an example of Tacky day (2012)... when no one else was dressed for tacky day. 🙈 Anyway, each picture came with such a vivid memory. I started having flashbacks of when the pictures were taken. It was as if it was just yesterday.
I recently turned 25 and yes, I'm still upset about it. I graduated high school 7 years ago. 7 years of new memories have passed since those pictures were taken and I honestly couldn't believe it.
A few weeks ago one of my mothers coworkers broke his leg. We went and visited him in the hospital after his surgery a few times and laughed about the situation with him and his wife. This past week he was cleared to go on a cruise with his wife and 2 young kids before he went back to work. My mom was following their adventures that he was posting daily. A couple days ago we found out that he had passed away while on the cruise ship and we're still unsure of why. This abrupt reality really hit me.
Life is such a gift and it can be taken away so easily. Both of these instances reminded me of how precious and short life is. How you should enjoy every second you have and take those leaps of faith- regardless of how uncomfortable- that you feel led to take. I have those mini panic attacks daily thinking about the details of this move, but I also have this crazy sense of peace that it's all going to work out.
I know that I want to make as many memories with Paul that I can before time just flashed by and the years were lost. So I have set a date, made as many plans that I could possibly make without currently having an apartment or job, and I'm just having complete blind faith that this is all going to work out.
I realize how important every single day is and I'm tired of just being in a season of waiting for tomorrow to come. I simply want to live for today. And that's why I'm moving.
P.S. Thank you to my beautifully talented friend, Emily, for letting me use one of her incredible graphics she made with words from a Sleeping at Last song, Saturn. I thought it fit really well with this topic. Go check out her website Here!
Fast forward 2 years later and another songwriting group appeared. I was just as uncomfortable, still didn't know anyone, but for some reason I felt like I was supposed to be there so I continued subjecting myself to these mini heart attacks. Little did I know that at that very group I would meet some incredible life long friends and the love of my life.
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| A group picture before Paul and I started dating. |
In my experience, the best decision is not always the easiest to make. It usually comes with the most ridicule and fear. I am currently experiencing a little bit of both with my move to Indiana. I have a month to get an apartment, find a job, pack everything up, sell what I can't take, say my goodbyes, and so on. I actually went in my closet to pick out an outfit the other day and an hour later came out with nothing because I stared off into the colorful abyss trying to fathom the idea that I was moving across the country. However, as much thought that has went into this, the same amount of heart was given control. I realize the costs of moving, but the reward is so much greater in my opinion. Paul and I are going to get to actually go on dates every week again. We get to finally go to all those restaurants he raves about over the phone and finally get to experience all the beautiful seasons Indiana has to offer. We can simply relax in each others presence because I won't be leaving in 2 days.
I had tons of advice given to me in deciding when to move or if I should move at all. Some included to let him get settled first and see if he liked it up there, some said to wait till we were engaged, but the majority warned me against moving before we got married. Well, Paul and I had only been dating for 5 months when he moved. Even though we had talked about marriage and were both positive on each other, I din't feel that it was fair to make him propose after only 5 months just to get me to move up there. Also, that first month apart was the absolute worst. And I mean that. I'm super thankful for it because we worked through a ton of things, but my goodness. The worst. Now that we're in the long distance face time groove it's a lot easier, but to wait 'till we got married would put us at 12 months long distance at least. No thank you. Out of all of these factors though, a couple experiences and tons of prayer really decided this for me.
I was cleaning out my computer back in May and went through all my old pictures. I found too many pictures from high school... cringe worthy at best. I've provided an example of Tacky day (2012)... when no one else was dressed for tacky day. 🙈 Anyway, each picture came with such a vivid memory. I started having flashbacks of when the pictures were taken. It was as if it was just yesterday.
I recently turned 25 and yes, I'm still upset about it. I graduated high school 7 years ago. 7 years of new memories have passed since those pictures were taken and I honestly couldn't believe it.
A few weeks ago one of my mothers coworkers broke his leg. We went and visited him in the hospital after his surgery a few times and laughed about the situation with him and his wife. This past week he was cleared to go on a cruise with his wife and 2 young kids before he went back to work. My mom was following their adventures that he was posting daily. A couple days ago we found out that he had passed away while on the cruise ship and we're still unsure of why. This abrupt reality really hit me.
Life is such a gift and it can be taken away so easily. Both of these instances reminded me of how precious and short life is. How you should enjoy every second you have and take those leaps of faith- regardless of how uncomfortable- that you feel led to take. I have those mini panic attacks daily thinking about the details of this move, but I also have this crazy sense of peace that it's all going to work out.
I know that I want to make as many memories with Paul that I can before time just flashed by and the years were lost. So I have set a date, made as many plans that I could possibly make without currently having an apartment or job, and I'm just having complete blind faith that this is all going to work out.
I realize how important every single day is and I'm tired of just being in a season of waiting for tomorrow to come. I simply want to live for today. And that's why I'm moving.
P.S. Thank you to my beautifully talented friend, Emily, for letting me use one of her incredible graphics she made with words from a Sleeping at Last song, Saturn. I thought it fit really well with this topic. Go check out her website Here!
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