In the Meantime

A simple Google search will define patience as "the capacity to accept or tolerate delay, trouble, or suffering without getting angry or upset."

For various reason, I have chosen the last weekend of July as my moving date. We are now only a week into July and I have had too many breakdowns about this. I am realizing a ton about myself in this process and I'm hoping that sharing some of my current struggles will benefit others to get through their own.

First off, no,I still don't have a job or an apartment. I wasn't concerned about this at all because I had so much time left, but looking at the calendar seeing the days shorten is really getting to me. At times this month feels like it's taking a year to get through and at others I feel like I accidentally hit the fast-forward button. Usually, I get stressed when thinking about the details of moving without actually having any details- like a place to go or a way to pay for it. Luckily, I have Paul, family, and friends that have gotten through this exact same thing or are going through it with me. Those friends that took their own leap of faith and everything worked out for them are my encouragement. I'm praying that everything will work out at just the right moment and my story can encourage others as well.

Amidst my roller-coaster of emotions, I've recently discovered my unhealthy need to be perfect. This is a sensitive subject for me because I'm still working through it, but I'm going to do my best to explain it.

I am a people pleaser. I've known that for a good long while. I absolutely love to make others happy. Last summer at work we all took the Enneagram Test as part of a team bonding exercise. I tested as a 2 which has been given the title The Helper. There is a lot that goes into this and you can't just take it all at face value, but it helps you understand your motives behind your actions. As a 2, my basic fear is being unwanted or unloved. After really analyzing myself and my motives, I changed some of the ways I did things. I took this this past year to grow- learning about my personality and how to stay healthy.

However, I realized a week ago that I've been slipping into a very unhealthy zone. I've let all my routines of exercising, eating, and even reading the Bible fade away. I've let the stress of moving get to me and I'm suffering because of it. I thought, "if I just have patience and wait till I move, then I can get into those routines again." Let me tell you.. that is not correct at all! Bad Sierra! I've slipped back into my needing to be needed phase which means I have to be perfect all the time so that everyone will like me. I can't make any mistakes at work, my body has to be perfect, every thing I say has to be correct, etc. If it's not, then my mind races for days on how I could of done better until the next imperfect occurrence happens. This then weighs on my mind and I ultimately start hating myself for not being the best I could be. In fact, I know that no one else cares about these silly things as much as I do, so it’s honestly turned into me trying to please myself. A people pleaser that can’t even please herself- what a conundrum.

It’s as if I was finally able to throw the ball of self-denial away and then it just came back and hit me in the face. Which seems to be a theme in my life...

The good news is that I do realize this and I am working on it. I’m learning how to love myself again. Thankfully, I don’t have to do it alone this time. My beloved Paul has been such a strong support to my emotional rollercoaster.

I kind of hate having to have patience. I don't want to just accept or tolerate the delay anymore. I know that I only have a few weeks left to make the most of my time in Florida. I am scheduling time in with all my friends and doing the things I love to do.I want to enjoy all the time in between so when the event that I was waiting on finally arrives, I have regretted nothing.




As I've mentioned in one of my previous posts, life is short. You're here one day and gone tomorrow. So for the same reason that I'm making this move, I should be living every second in between now and then to my full healthy potential.